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You may feel sorry for your abuser when you think about the causes of his abusive behavior. You may begin to believe that they excuse his behavior and that he had little choice other than to become abusive. Well, think again.
Is it sad he may be prone to behave abusively? Yes, but others have the same tendency, yet do not act upon it. Is it sad he was not taught differently, conditioned differently, and did not have a different childhood or different life experiences? Yes, but many of us have had painful pasts and families of origin that taught unhealthy behaviors, yet we don't abuse other people.
Adulthood is when most of us assume responsibility for our behavior in spite of what we may be innately prone to do and what may have happened to us in childhood. Your abusive partner has to be treated like an adult and held accountable for his actions.
The Secret of Overcoming Verbal Abuse
page 35
As incredible as it sounds, the devastating emotions you attribute to being verbally abused are of your own making. In fact, all your emotions are of your own making. No one can make you feel anything. You make you feel every emotion you experience. You also are in control of the intensity of each emotion you experience. Your abuser does not have the power to hurt you with his words and behavior--not without your help. No one can make you feel anything without your permission, without your participation.
So as much as you might believe your abusive partner is to blame for all your pain, the truth is that the most painful emotional hoops you continuously jump through are of your own creation. Although you may not want to hear this, it is wonderful news. Why? Because it means you can do something to stop the pain without having to rely on your abuser to stop it for you! Did you get this? It is going to turn out to be the best news you have heard in a long time. Here it is again: You can do something to stop the pain without having to rely on your abuser to stop it for you.
The Secret of Overcoming Verbal Abuse
page 56
It would seem that once you have become aware of how abusive relationships work and understand that it is your partner's goal to make himself seem okay and you seem flawed and inferior, you would no longer be vulnerable to his abusive behavior. You would realize there is no basis for continuing your excruciating soul-searching, self-analysis, self-blame, and self-downing, since the abuse is not about you. His behavior would no longer cause you debilitating pain.
But does this knowledge actually stop the cycle of obsessive thoughts and out-of-control emotions? Not necessarily. It may be that you still get caught up in the old, familiar quagmire of confusion, pain, and tears--even when you know that your partner's behavior is irrational, that his statements about you are usually untrue, and that the abusive incidents are not your fault. Why? Because although you know better, a part of you gets caught up in what your partner says. A part of you thinks he may be right about you. A part of you still judges you harshly and sees you as lacking. A part of you believes that you may--as he insists--not be okay, after all. Insidiously, your insecurities, negative perception and non-acceptance of yourself, and your tendency to blame yourself and feel guilty set you up to play right into his hands.
The Secret of Overcoming Verbal Abuse
page 110
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