[from the back cover]

• Children who grow up in violent homes may suffer from loss of sleep (many attacks happen when they are in bed), and they may not be receiving adequate nutrition or nurturing. These losses may contribute to physical, emotional/psychological, and cognitive delays in their development. They may feel helpless in the face of attacks against a parent that they cannot stop or lessen. These feelings of powerlessness often lead to depression.
• Children of domestic violence are found in all socioeconomic levels and in all educational, racial, and age groups.
• They exhibit a combination of limited tolerance, poor impulse control, and martyr-like long-suffering.
• They experience depression, considerable stress and psychosomatic disorders (bodily disorders induced by mental or emotional disturbances), excessive school absenteeism, and have hidden symptoms of characterological dysfunction (withdrawal, low self-esteem, hyperactivity, and so on).
• They are economically and emotionally dependent. They are a high risk for substance abuse, sexual acting out, running away, isolation, loneliness, and fear.
• They have a very shaky definition of self, grappling with the childlike responses of their parents as models.
• They have low self-esteem.
• They experience a mixture of hope and depression -- depression that there is no way out. Peer groups, if available, can be their most important contact.
• They may exhibit increased social isolation with their peers.
• They may "bargain" their behavior with their parents, "proving" themselves as do their mothers.

• Identify the wounds of childhood--almost everyone has something in childhood that hurts. It can range from minor things on the surface to major deep pain or wounds. We can't always remember them clearly. If the memory has faded, don't go digging into the past. The memories will surface when you're ready and able to process them.
• Identify the reactive behaviors that undermine our values and perpetuate the shame. We can tell by our reactive behaviors if there's been a wound in childhood. We may have lost the memory consciously, but the wound will unconsciously drive our behavior. I started recovery without the memories coming to the surface by identifying the behaviors and changing them. It is a process.
• Recognize that with the shame there comes pain. This is normal. Journal or log the feelings you've associated with each incident. Stay with the process. The pain will eventually diminish, and you'll see light at the end of the tunnel.
• If the pain or the fear associated with the incidents is too much to handle, get help. A trusted friend, family member, or your pastor may or may not be the place to start. There should be no shame in seeking professional help.
• Focus on growth, which develops maturity of character. If we are arrested in our development, we have never developed our core and character. Our personality is a pseudopersonality, and much behavior modification will not work long-term. As we focus on the development of character, we grow from the inside, and behavior changes over time. Then the change can be permanent.
• Become future-oriented instead of dwelling on the past. Choose to live in the solution instead of perpetuating the problem. Look forward. As we mature we can take control of our own life and let go of situations, circumstances, and other people. We can achieve our dreams, goals, and visions.
• Determine to do everything you can to stop the behaviors connected to the wound. When we identify a negative behavior, look for the opposite behavior and focus on change. Do not try to change everything at once. Time is our friend. It took many of us years to get this way, and the recovery process might take the rest of our lives. But it does get progressively better.