Love, Patricia - The Emotional Incest Syndrome: What to Do When a Parent's Love Rules Your Life

T he E motional
I ncest S yndrome

W hat to D o W hen
a P arent's L ove
R ules Y our L ife

by
Dr. PATRICIA LOVE
with Jo Robinson

Check out other
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emotional abuse.

Do these "endearments" sound familiar to you?

--"Of all my children, I expected the most of you."
TRANSLATION: I'VE SELECTED YOU TO BE THE ONE TO MAKE MY LIFE WORTH LIVING.

--"You've never caused me a minute of trouble."
TRANSLATION; IGNORE YOUR OWN NEEDS, I CAN'T HANDLE THEM.

--"You're the only one who truly understands me."
TRANSLATION: I WOULD BE TOTALLY ALONE IF IT WEREN'T FOR YOU.

If so, you may have been a "Chosen Child," seemingly the focus of loving and devoted parents, but in reality a child walking a psychological tightrope -- learning early on to deny your own needs in order to meet the emotional needs of a parent. Today, there is a name for this devastaing and increasingly common form of child abuse: emotional incest.

Here, Dr. Patricia Love offers adults real hope -- and help in overcoming the hurtful legacy of being a Chosen Child. Based on proven therapeutic techniques and using real-life case histories, her total program of recovery will help you:

--identify the telltale signs of emotional incest
--confront your parents-- and your past --with love and
   understanding
--disentangle your life from theirs -- even if your
   parents are no longer alive
--create a positive relationship with your parents --
   and your own children

Filled with hope and compassion, The Emotional Incest Syndrome is a life-transforming guide to health and healing for all Chosen Children and the people who love them.

[from the back flap of the softbound edition]

Dr. Patricia Love, The Emotional Incest Syndrome

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About the Author

Dr. Patricia Love grew up in Sistersville, West Virginia, and received her doctorate in counseling from West Virginia University. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor, and a Clinical Member/Approved Supervisor in the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. She is a charter member of the Imago Institute and is a trainer and clinician in Imago Relationship Therapy. Dr. Love currently resides in Austin, Texas, where she continues to write, practice, and consult, promoting the concept of family reconciliation and healthy family functioning.

Jo Robinson is a freelance writer living in Portland, Oregon. Previous collaborative works include: Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples by Dr. Harville Hendrix; Full House with Karen Anderson; and Unplug the Christmas Machine with Jean Staeheli.

[from the final pages of the softbound edition]

Table of Contents

	Contents
*Introduction*		1
PART ONE WHAT IS EMOTIONAL INCEST? Exploring the Problem		3
	1 Growing Up with an Invasive Parent	5
	Varieties of Emotional Incest	9
	Applying Today's Insights to Yesterday's Families	11
	2 Parents Who Send Mixed Messages: Love, Neglect, and Abuse	13
	The Neglectful Parent	13
	*The Abusive/Critical Parent*	16
	*The Sexualizing Parent*	21
	3 The Adult Cost of Being a Chosen Child	28
	Denial and Family Mythologies	30
	*Guilt and Anxiety*	33
	*Self-Image Problems*	38
	*Perfectionism*	43
	*Identity Problems*	46
	*Relationship Problems*	51
	4 The Family Role Call: How Emotional Incest Affects Other Family Members	56
	Blood Ties	57
	*The Invasive Parent*	59
	*The Left-Out Child*	62
	*The Left-Out Spouse*	65
	*The Shadow Parent*	68
	*The Spouse of the Chosen Child*	69
	*A Drama Where Everyone Loses*	71
	5 Why Do Parents Become Overinvolved with Their Children?	73
	Acknowledging the Pleasures of Parenting	74
	*Keeping Parental Love within Bounds*	75
	*A Lack of Love, Information, and Role Models*	76
	*A Lack of Self-Awareness*	79
	*Warning Signs of Emotional Incest*	82
	6 Identifying Families at Risk	85
	Emotional Incest and the Single-Parent Family	85
	*Emotional Incest and the Stepfamily*	88
	*The Only Child*	90
	*Substance Abuse and Emotional Incest*	91
	*Mental Illness as a Contributing Cause*	92
	*The Superchild Syndrome*	93
	*Other Families at Risk*	94
	7 Key Differences Between Enmeshed and Healthy Families	96
	The Spousal Unit: Roles and Responsibilities of Adult Partners	98
	Satisfying the Emotional Needs of the Single Parent	102
	The Parental Unit: Roles and Responsibilities of Parents	103
	Defining the Crucial Differences Between Parenting and Partnering	107
	The Sibling Unit: Roles and Responsibilities of Siblings	108
	Consequences of Living in a Functional versus a Dysfunctional Family	110
PART TWO RECOVERY: Defining the Cure		115
	8 Blazing a Path to Recovery: Follow the Yellow Brick Road	117
	A Personal Philosophy of Healing	118
	*The Miracle of the Self-Healing Child*	120
	*Jim: "Most of my life I've been in neutral."*	123
	*Psychotherapy and the Wizard of Oz*	124
	*Repression and the Chosen Child*	126
	*The Two-Stage Recovery Program*	126
	*Second Order Change*	128
	*Sibling Rivalry and Successful Change*	130
	*"JNDs: Just Noticeable Differences"*	132
	9 Making Your Personal History, History	133
	Coping with Denial and Resistance	134
	Removing Guilt as a Barrier to Exploring the Past	136
	*Tapping in to a Well of Pain*	139
	*Introduction to the Autobiography Exercise*	140
	*Autobiography--General Outline*	144
	*Directions for a Family Genogram*	153
	10 Making Peace with Your Parents	158
	Beth: "I could never figure out why Mother was so angry."	159
	*Becoming More Objective*	160
	*Accepting Your Parents' Negative Traits*	161
	*Affirming a Parent's Positive Qualities*	165
	*Setting Limits Around an Invasive Parent*	166
	*Marcos: "I could never win in my family."*	167
	Examining Your Reasons for Staying Enmeshed	169
	Mastering the Art of the Ten-Second Confrontation	171
	*Coping with Guilt and Anxiety*	173
	How to Free Yourself from an Extremely Invasive Parent	174
	Creating a More Positive Relationship with a Parent	175
	*Fake It 'Til You Make It*	175
	*Do the Unexpected*	176
	*The Formal Reconciliation Meeting*	177
	Resolving Your Feelings About a Deceased Parent	180
	*Making Peace with Your In-laws*	182
	*A Success Story*	184
	11 Making Peace with Your Siblings	186
	Seeing the Larger Picture	187
	*Second Order Change*	188
	Directions for a Reconciliation Meeting with a Sibling	191
	*The Singular Nature of Sibling Dynamics*	193
	12 Stengthening Your Marriage Relationship	195
	Marriage and Second Order Change	196
	*Creating a Positive Vision*	198
	*The Universal Homework Assignment*	200
	*Resistance*	201
	*Deepening Intimacy*	202
	*Are You Listening to Me?*	207
	*Additional Communication Tips*	210
	*Resolving Cross-Generational Alliances*	213
	*Learning the Art of Compromise*	215
	*Turning off the Projector*	217
	*Polarization*	219
	*Celebrate!*	220
	What If Your Partner Doesn't Want to Work on the Marriage?	221
	13 Shoring Up Your Support Network	223
	Identifying the Nature of Your Boundary Problems	224
	*Firming Up Your Boundaries*	226
	*Lowering Your Emotional Barriers*	227
	*Suggestions for Making New Friends*	231
	*Maintaining Appropriate Boundaries at Work*	234
	14 Parenting: How to End the Cycle of Enmeshment	236
	Ten Rules for Healthy Parenting	239
	*Freeing a Child from Enmeshment*	242
	*Realignment Session with a Chosen Child*	243
	*Making Amends with a Left-Out Child*	249
	*Realignment Session with a Left-Out Child*	251
	*A Parent's Success Story*	254
	15 Victory Laps	256
	Evan: "I came out fighting!"	256
	Diana: "My father always told me, 'You'll never let me down.'"	262
	*Back to the Self*	267
	Notes	271
	Suggested Reading	275
	Index	277

[from the softbound edition]

Reviews

"A landmark study of a very important phenomenon that offers brilliant, positive, achievable paths to a resolution... Should be required reading."

--Harville Hendrix,
author of
Getting the Love You Want

"A marvelous, much-needed work on a difficult subject."

--Pia Mellody,
author of
Facing Co-Dependence

"Sensitively and compassionately written, this book addresses a problem of painful importance in the lives of millions of men and women...This book can be enormously helpful."

--Nathaniel Branden, Ph.D.,
author of
The Psychology of Self-Esteem
and Honoring the Self

"Therapists will find this book to be a 'regular' to give their patients. Clearly written with useful exercises, it will be very clarifying for victims."

--Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D.,
author of
Don't Call It Love

[from the front and back cover of the softbound edition]

Read more reviews of this book on the
Amazon.com website:
The Emotional Incest Syndrome

Excerpts

"Emotional incest is not a new phenomenon. History is full of people who were overly involved with their children. Human beings have an innate need for companionship and intimacy, and when those needs are not met by a partner, the natural tendency is to turn to a child. But the syndrome has become newsworthy for the following reasons:

1. Recent changes in family life -- notably the dramatic rise in single-parent households and substance abuse -- have dramatically increased the incidence of emotional incest.

2. The adult consequences of the syndrome are more clearly understood.

3. Recent advances in the relatively new field of Structural Family Therapy have made emotional incest a definable, curable problem.

4. The syndrome finally has a name.

I have devoted the past five years to researching this book. The clearer I've become about the nature of the syndrome, the more I see it around me. Fully half of my clients have an overly close relationship with a mother or father as a central issue. When I lecture on the subject, I can always count on a handful of people coming up to me afterward to tell me, 'What you're talking about happened to me. You've just described my life. For the first time, I have a name for what's wrong with me.'"

The Emotional Incest Syndrome
pages 1-2

"For some people, the single word guilt sums up the negative consequences of growing up with an Invasive Parent. Depending on their circumstances, they can feel guilty for one or more of a number of reasons, including: taking a parent away from a partner, winning out over siblings, failing to live up to a parent's expectations, wanting to break away from an overbearing parent, and participating in a love triangle when they were 'old enough to know better.' One Chosen Child put it this way: 'I go through life feeling as if I've been given too much money at the supermarket and decided to keep the change. I wanted my father's love, but I felt guilty for keeping it.' Although she had wanted the exclusive relationship she had with her father, she had witnessed the pain it caused her mother and sister. She carried this burden into adulthood and continued to take on the guilt of others."

The Emotional Incest Syndrome
page 34

"To a large degree, our parents determined which parts of the self we were allowed to keep. Some of us were allowed to have needs, but not to be independent. We were catered to and indulged, but kept immature. Some of us were allowed to have a great deal of freedom, but not to have needs. We were allowed to wander at will around the neighborhood, but were not given enough comfort and reassurance. Some of us were permitted to develop our talents, but were asked to repress our needs and emotions. We grew up to be compulsive achievers to hid an inner sense of inadequancy. To a greater degree than other children, we were not allowed to be whole. In exchange for love and a position of privilege in the family hieracrchy, we had to give up a large portion of the self."

The Emotional Incest Syndrome
page 126

"I know how difficult it is to give up the wish for perfect parents. We cling to an idealized view of our caretakes because on some level we still view life through the eyes of a child and believe we are dependent on our parents for survival. When we see flaws in their characters, we are not merely annoyed -- we are terrified. Our very existence seems threatened. A voice inside cries out: 'No one is taking care of me!' To ward off this anxiety, we hold on to the dream that our parents' faults will magically disappear: this visit, our parents will be sensitive to our needs; this reunion will be smooth and uneventful; this phone call or this letter will repair old wounds and bring us closer together.

"Not surprisingly, the character flaws we have the hardest time accepting are the ones that wounded us most during childhood. When our parents act in destructive and familiar ways, our present anguish is magnified by our early pain. Underneath our grown-up dismay is a little child crying out for more love and safety."

The Emotional Incest Syndrome
page 162

[from the softbound edition]

Read more about this book on the
Amazon.com website:
The Emotional Incest Syndrome

Purchasing
The Emotional
Incest Syndrome

Patricia Love's book
The Emotional Incest Syndrome
may be purchased through Amazon.com.

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by Dr. Patricia Love
and Jo Robinson

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