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WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD...
-- Did your parents tell you you were bad or worthless?
-- Did your parents use physical pain to discipline you?
-- Did you have to take care of your parents
because of their problems?
-- Were you often frightened of your parents?
-- Did your parents do anything to you that had to be
kept secret?
NOW THAT YOU ARE AN ADULT...
-- Do your parents still treat you as if you were a child?
-- Do you have intense emotional or physical reactions
after spending time with your parents?
-- Do your parents control you with threats or guilt?
Do they manipulate you with money?
-- Do you feel that no matter what you do, it's never
good enough for your parents?
In this remarkable self-help guide, Dr. Susan Forward draws on case histories and the real-life voices of adult children of toxic parents to help you free yourself from the frustrating patterns of your relationship with your parents--and discover an exciting new world of self-confidence, inner strength, and emotional independence.
[from the back flap of the softbound edition]
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About the Author
Craig Buck, a film and television writer and producer, has written extensively on human behavior for many national magazines and newspapers. He is the co-author of Money Demons, Toxic Parents, Obsessive Love, and Betrayal of Innocence.
[from the final pages of the softbound edition]
Table of Contents
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Contents |
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| INTRODUCTION | 1 | |
| PART ONE: Toxic Parents | 13 | |
| ONE Godlike Parents --The Myth of the Perfect Parent |
15 |
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| TWO "Just Because You Didn't Mean It Doesn't Mean It Didn't Hurt" --The Inadequate Parents |
31 |
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| THREE "Why Can't They Let Me Live My Own Life?" --The Controllers |
49 |
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| FOUR "No One in This Family Is an Alcoholic" --The Alcoholics |
72 |
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| FIVE The Bruises Are All on the Inside --The Verbal Abusers |
96 |
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| SIX Sometimes the Bruises Are on the Outside, Too --The Physical Abusers |
117 |
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| SEVEN The Ultimate Betrayal --The Sexual Abusers |
138 |
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| EIGHT Why Do Parents Behave This Way? --The Family System |
165 |
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PART TWO: Reclaiming Your Life |
181 |
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| NINE You Don't Have to Forgive | 185 | |
| TEN "I'm a Grown-Up, Why Don't I Feel Like One?" |
190 |
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| ELEVEN The Beginnings of Self-Definition | 202 | |
| TWELVE Who's Really Responsible? | 214 | |
| THIRTEEN Confrontation: The Road to Independence |
233 |
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| FOURTEEN Healing the Incest Wound | 273 | |
| FIFTEEN Breaking the Cycle | 306 | |
| EPILOGUE Letting Go of the Struggle | 318 | |
| Suggested Reading | 324 | |
[from the softbound edition]
Reviews
--Abigail Van Buren,
"Dear Abby"
"I consider Susan Forward to be among the foremost therapists of our age. In Toxic Parents she offers us a penetrating model of how to heal the frozen grief of our dysfunctional past... Please read this book!"
--John Bradsahw
author of
Bradshaw On: The Family,
Healing the Shame that Binds You,
and Homecoming
[from the back cover of the softbound edition]
Excerpts
Of course not. Parents are only human, and have plenty of problems of their own. And most children can deal with an occasional outburst of anger as long as they have plenty of love and understanding to counter it.
But there are many parents whose negative patterns of behavior are consistent and dominant in a child's life. These are the parents who do the harm.
As I searched for a phrase to describe the common ground that these harmful parents share, the word that kept running through my mind was toxic. Like a chemical toxin, the emotional damage inflicted by these parents spreads through a child's being, and as the child grows, so does the pain. What better word than toxic to describe parents who inflict ongoing trauma, abuse, and denigration on their children, and in most cases continue to do so even after their children are grown?
There are exceptions to the 'ongoing' or 'repetitive' aspects of this definition. Sexual or physical abuse can be so traumatic that often a single occurrence is enough to cause tremendous emotional damage.
Unfortunately, parenting, one of the most crucial skills, is still very much a seat-of-the-pants endeavor. Our parents learned it primarily from people who may not have done such a good job: their parents. Many of the time-honored techiniques that have been passed down from generation to generation are, quite simply, bad advice masquerading as wisdom (remember 'spare the rod and spoil the child'?)."
Toxic Parents
pages 5-6
"It's not always easy to figure out whether your parents are, or were, toxic. A lot of people have difficult relationships with their parents. That alone doesn't mean your parents are emotionally destructive. Many people find themselves struggling on the cusp, questioning whether they were mistreated or whether they're being 'oversensitive.'
I've designed the folowing questionnaire to help you take the first steps toward resolving that struggle...
| I. Your Relationship with Your Parents When You Were a Child: 1. Did your parents tell you you were bad or worthless? Did they call you insulting names? Did they constantly criticize you? 2. Did your parents use physical pain to discipline you? Did they beat you with belts, brushes, or other objects? 3. Did your parents get drunk or use drugs? Did you feel confused, uncomfortable, fightened, hurt, or ashamed by this? 4. Were your parents severely depressed or unavilable because of emotional difficulties or mental or physical illness? 5. Did you have to take care of your parents because of their problems? 6. Did your parents do anything to you that had to be kept secret? Were you sexually molested in any way? 7. Were you frightened of your parents a great deal of the time? 8. Were you afraid to express anger at your parents? II. Your Adult Life: 1. Do you find yourself in destructive or abusive relationships? 2. Do you believe that if you get too close to someone, they will hurt and/or abandon you? 3. Do you expect the worst from people? From life in general? 4. Do you have a hard time knowing who you are, what you feel, and what you want? 5. Are you afraid that if people knew the real you, they wouldn't like you? 6. Do you feel anxious when you're successful and frightened that someone will find out you're a fraud? 7. Do you get angry or sad for no apparent reason? 8. Are you a perfectionist? 9. Is it difficult for you to relax or have a good time? 10. Despite your best intentions, do you find yourself behaving 'just like your parents'? III Your Relationship with Your Parents as an Adult: 1. Do your parents still treat you as if you were a child? 2. Are many of your major life decisions based upon whether your parents would approve? 3. Do you have intense emotional or physical reactions after you spend or anticipate spending time with your parents? 4. Are you afraid to disagree with your parents? 5. Do your parents manipulate you with threats or guilt? 6. Do your parents manipulate you with money? 7. Do you feel responsible for how your parents feel? If they're unhappy, do you feel it's your fault? Is it your job to make it better for them? 8. Do you believe that no matter what you do, it's never good enough for your parents? 9. Do you believe that someday, somehow, your parents are going to change for the better? |
Toxic Parents
pages 7-9
"It is tremendously difficult to regain feelings of trust and safety once they have been trrampled by parents. All of us develop our expectations about how people will treat us based on our relationships with our parents. If those relationships are, for the most part, emotionally nourishing, respectful of our rights and feelings, we'll grow up expecting others to treat us in much the same way. These positive expectations allow us to be relatively vulnerable and open in our adult relationships. But if...childhood is a time of unrelenting anxiety, tension, and pain, then we develop negative expectations and rigid defenses."
Toxic Parents
page 123
[from the softbound edition]
Read more about this book on the
Amazon.com
website:
Toxic Parents
Purchasing
Toxic Parents
Susan Forward's
book
Toxic Parents
may be purchased through Amazon.com.
Other Books
by Dr. Susan Forward
Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use
Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You
Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them
When Your Lover Is a Liar:
Healing the Wounds of Deception and Betrayal
Betrayal of Innocence: Incest and Its Devastation
Learn more about these books also
written by Dr. Susan Forward.
