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I have found that HSPs [Highly Sensitive Persons] benefit from a fourfold approach, which the chapters in this book will follow:
1. Self-knowledge. You have to understand what it means to be an HSP. Thoroughly. And how it fits with your other traits and how our society's negative attitude has affected you. Then you need to know your sensitive body very well. No more ignoring your body because it seems too uncooperative or weak.
2. Reframing. You must actively reframe much of your past in the light of knowing you came into the world highly sensitive. So many of your "failures" were inevitable because neither you nor your parents and teachers, friends and colleagues, understood you. Reframing how you experienced your past can lead to solid self-esteem, and self-esteem is especially important for HSPs, for it decreases our overarousal in new (and therefore) highly stimulating) situations.
Reframing is not automatic, however. That is why I include "activities" at the end of each chapter that often involve it.
3. Healing. If you have not yet done so, you must begin to heal the deeper wounds. You were very sensitive as a child; family and school problems, childhood illnesses, and the like all affected you more than others. Furthermore, you were different from other kids and almost surely suffered for that.
HSPs especially, sensing the intense feelings that must arise, may hold back from the inner work necessary to heal the wounds from the past. Caution and slowness are justified. But you will cheat yourself if you delay.
4. Help With Feeling Okay When Out in the World and Learning When to Be Less Out. You can be, should be, and need to be involved in the world. It truly needs you. But you have to be skilled at avoiding overdoing or underdoing it. This book, free of the confusing messages from a less sensitive culture, is about discovering that way.
The Highly Sensitive Person:
How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You
pages xvi-xvii
Boundaries should be flexible, letting in what you want and keeping out what you don't want. You want to avoid shutting everyone out all the time indiscriminately. And you want to control any urges to merge with others. It would be nice, but it just doesn't work for long. You lose all of your autonomy.
Many HSPs tell me that a major problem for them is poor boundaries--getting involved in situations that are not really their business or their problem, letting too many people distress them, saying more than they wanted, getting mired in other people's messes, becoming too intimate too fast or with the wrong people.
There's one essential rule here: Boundaries take practice! Make good boundaries your goal. They are your right, your responsibility, your greatest source of dignity. But do not become too distressed when you slip up. Just notice how much better you are getting at it.
Besides all the other reasons to have good boundaries, you can use them to keep out stimulation when you have had all that you can take. I have met a few HSPs (one in particular raised in an overcrowded urban housing project) who can, at will, shut out almost all stimulation in their environment. Quite a handy skill. "At will" is important, however. I am not referring to involuntary dissociation or "spacing out." I am talking about choosing to shut out the voices and other sounds around you, or at least decreasing their impact on you.
So, want to practice? Go sit by a radio. Imagine yourself with some kind of boundary around yourself that keeps out what you don't want--maybe it is light, energy, or the presence of a trusted protector. Then turn on the radio but keep out the radio's message. You will probably still hear the word, but refuse to let them in. After a while, turn the radio off and think about what you experienced. Could you give yourself permission to shut out the broadcasting? Could you feel that boundary? If not, practice it again someday. It will improve.The Highly Sensitive Person:
How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You
page 61-62
Unfortunately, the term shy has some very negative connotations. It does not have to; shy can also be equated with words such as discreet, self-controlled, thoughtful, and sensitive. But studies have shown that most people on first meeting those I would call HSPs considered them shy and equated that with anxious, awkward, fearful, inhibited, and timid. Even mental health professionals have rated them, more often than not, this way and also as lower on intellectual competence, achievement, and mental health, which, in fact, bear no association with shyness. Only people who knew the shy people well, such as their spouses, chose the positive terms. Another study found that the tests used by psychologists to measure shyness are replete with the same negative terms. Maybe that would be all right if the tests were of a state of mind, but they're often used to identify "shy people," who then bear a negative label. Beware of the hidden prejudice behind the word shy.The Highly Sensitive Person:
How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You
pages 93
Gretchen Hill, a psychologist at the University of Kansas, questioned shy and nonshy people about what was the appropriate behavior in twenty-five social situations. She found that the shy people knew equally well what was expected of them but said they were not capable of doing it. She hints that shy people lack self-confidence--the usual inner flaw attributed to us. So we are told to be more confident. Which we can't, of course. So we've failed again. But maybe we're sometimes justified in our lack of confidence, with so many experiences of being too aroused to behave appropriately. Naturally, some of us expect not to be able to do what we know to be socially correct. I think that simply telling ourselves to be more confident rarely helps. Stick to the twofold approach of this chapter: Work on the overarousal, appreciate your introverted style.
Another reason for not being able to put into practice what you know about social skills is that old patterns from childhood may be taking over and need to be faced. Or some feelings command your attention. One sure sign? You keep saying things like "I don't know why I did that--I knew better--that just wasn't like me." Or, "after all my efforts, nothing is working."The Highly Sensitive Person:
How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You
page 106
[from the softbound edition]
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