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Turn Fairy-Tale Victims into Self-Rescuers
With descriptions that evoke the splendor of royal balls and sumptuous feasts and the excitement of seemingly impossible quests, fairy tales can transport reader and listener alike to magical times. In The Use of Enchantment, child psychologist Bruno Bettelheim made the case that fairy tales can be powerful influences on children. In identifying with the story's victims, children realize that even people who are powerless (as children feel they are) can triumph over the most daunting circumstances. The big problem with traditional fairy tales, however, is that they tend to present heroines as helpless victims. That doesn't necessarily mean you should disavow fairy tales for your daughter. In fact, fairy tales can be tremendously helpful in boosting her sense of confidence in her body, if -- while reading aloud -- you make small plot changes that convey the message that girls are physically and emotionally empowered to save themselves.
There is no hard-and-fast rules in this approach. Simply put on your thinking cap when you see the main female character about to be portrayed as a victim. That's when you can substitute your own ideas for what's printed on the page.
Take the story of Snow White. You may change some details to endow the heroine with admirable traits. For instances, the stepmother may be jealous of Snow White because of her intelligence, not because she is beautiful. Snow White can convince the dwarfs to clean their home because of her excellent leadership skills. The prince finds Snow White in the woods because her fierce will to live shines like a beacon in the forest. In the story of The Little Mermaid, the main character could tell the witch that she would never give up her body to pursue the prince and goes along with that nonsense only because the witch casts a spell on her.
There are also a number of fairy-tale books available that celebrate the strengths of girls and women. Ask your librarian for references or shop on-line. One novel-length fairy tale with a strong female character is Dealing with Dragons, by Patricia C. Wrede, for ages nine through fourteen. There is also Women Warriors: Myths and Legends of Heroic Women, by Marianna Mayer, with beautiful illustrations by Julek Heller, for girls ages nine through fourteen. The twelve heroines highlighted in this culturally diverse book hail from countries that include Zimbabwe, India, and Japan.
Don't feel you have to abandon this approach when your daughter reaches adolescence. If you switch the focus to teen-oriented films, she will enjoy the sense of being in on the joke as she critiques some plots for you. You can only hope that she will see Titanic, for example, as a film about a girl who is bored stiff until she's rescued by an artist who shows her how to really live -- which in this case, includes taking off her clothes so he can paint a picture of her in the nude.101 Ways to Help Your Daughter Love Her Body
pages 11-13
Don't Criticize Women's Bodies
In many cultures around the world, boys and men entertain themselves by observing feminine bodies and critiquing them. Perhaps you once engaged in this spectator sport, but have learned to tone down your comments now that you have a wife and daughter of your own. (Hopefully, if you were once a fan of Playboy or the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition -- or any publication featuring nude or semiclad women -- you have disposed of your collection. If you haven't, you should.) Even if you are a father who is well attuned to your daughter's emotional needs, you may sometimes make the mistake of commenting on a woman's weight or size. When watching television, you might say, for instance, "Boy, is she a pig!" or "She's got shoulders like a linebacker."
It's not that women aren't also guilty of engaging in these cruel comments (as this is the way that insecure people try to reassure themselves that "at least" they look better), but these body-savaging comments are particularly harmful to your daughter when she hears them from you. Remember that her expectations about the way boys and men should view and interact with her come directly from what she observes from you. Your daughter could grow up and expect that men will view her with the same critical eye. In passing along this women-as-objects mentality, you will make your girl more anxious about her own physique. She may reason, "If Dad thinks that actress is a pig, he must think I look even worse."
Rather than focus on someone's size or shape, pay attention to characteristics that say something about who that person is, such as, "That older woman walks as if she's really happy with her body." Or, "Look at the ways she smiles with her eyes." If you hear your daughter criticizing others, rather than lecture her, challenge her to tell you something she liked about the person. One dad tried that with his daughter, who had commented that the new girl on the block had "ugly hair." When her father suggested that she "change her consciousness" by considering what she liked about the young woman, his daughter said, "I liked her skateboarder shoes." The girl's face brightened as she finished, "so maybe that means I'll finally have another girl in the neighborhood that likes to skateboard." When your daughter becomes less critical of others, her own inner judge will sound more affirming, thus allowing her to feel confident that others are not judging her harshly.101 Ways to Help Your Daughter Love Her Body
pages 40-41
End Those "Pain of Labor" Stories
Sometimes even the most sensitive mother goes into great detail in front of her children about the pain she suffered giving birth to them. While it's certainly true that labor pains are no day at the races, you have to wonder what the secret message is in these stories: "It lasted for two days. I begged the doctor for drugs. I felt as if my body was being torn in two." If the point of these details is to say, "This is how much I love you," then you need to know that it is not what's coming across. Most girls who hear these stories simply wish that they had been born men so they wouldn't have to experience labor pains.
What we want to do, of course, is help our daughters feel real gratitude for the miracle their bodies can accommodate. So if you have already shared these labor details with your daughter, ask her how she felt when she heard them and apologize if she says you frightened her.
Whether you're correcting a labor story or sharing birth information for the first time, you can present the details in the most positive manner. First consider the details that were omitted from your daughter's birth story. Was her father jumping for joy? Did her grandparents ask you to hold the phone to her ear so they could tell her how much they loved her? Of course we want you to be truthful about that day, but tell her the whole story. "Yes, it hurt, and that's why I'm grateful that women have a greater tolerance for long-term pain than men. My favorite memory of that day is..."
Children love hearing positive birth stories. Every time you share the details, you are enabling your daughter to take pride in her femaleness. No matter how familiar the story, you'll notice that she hangs on every word and insists that you repeat favorite details: "Did Daddy really cry? How much did I weigh?" As she matures, you will, of course, continue to mark her birthday with parties and gifts, but while celebrations are certainly important, you can enrich her sense of self by underscoring the miracle of her birth.101 Ways to Help Your Daughter Love Her Body
pages 155-156
[from the hardbound edition]
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